Menopause. Single. Two simple words that sum up my current situation. But there are three other words that describe another part of me: still having desire.
People often overlook the fact that women like me still have sexual desires. No, what people often fail to realize is that a woman's desire can last until the day she dies.
And the truth is, even I didn't know that at first.
My Story
The Comment That Stayed
I am 48 years old, and I am going through a divorce.
When I think back to my younger years, I remember how much I liked my body. I had a relatively slim waist and rounded hips, and I felt attractive when I wore clothes I loved.
I did not constantly worry about how other people saw my body, and I never felt guilty about eating a slice of pizza.
I had my own insecurities back then, of course, but I never imagined that one day, the changes in my body would become a reason for someone else to judge me or even make me feel less worthy.
Over the more than ten years we were married, my body changed a great deal. As I got older, my waist and stomach gradually became fuller, and the shape of my breasts and hips changed, too.
After I entered menopause, these changes seemed to become more noticeable and harder to control. My ex-husband was unhappy with them.
He used to tell me that I had a great butt and was so cute, but now my breasts seemed to spread out toward my sides, and my belly looked as though I were wearing an inner tube around my waist.
I remember one Christmas Day when I had just finished preparing dinner for the whole family. I was leaning against the kitchen counter, taking a break with a slice of pizza in my hand.
It was the first thing I had eaten that day. He came over and told me to put the pizza down. Then he loudly announced that I was already so fat that I did not need to eat any more.
The room suddenly went quiet. I was mortified. It was not the first time something like that had happened to me.
I tried to lose weight, but my body was going through menopause.
Things that used to be easy for me had become much more difficult. I experienced tinnitus and hot flashes, struggled to sleep at night, and had very little energy. I felt exhausted easily.
During our marriage, I tried to talk about sex. I tried to express my sexual needs and tell him that I still wanted touch, closeness, and pleasure.
I also wanted to feel desired by him. He rejected me. That rejection made my desire seem like a flaw, something embarrassing, something I should apologize for.
I began to feel that at my age, having sexual desire was somehow wrong. I told myself that I should be grateful for what I already had. But gratitude does not mean agreeing to disappear. Eventually, I stopped speaking up.
I even began telling myself that I should not have these sexual needs at all. For a long time, I mistook his rejection for the truth about who I was.
The Labels Women Hear
Once, I came across a post online. Most of the women in it were around my age, and they were facing similar struggles.
As I read, I realized that women hear many contradictory messages about desire. If you want sex, you are “too old for that.”
If you do not, you have “lost your appeal.”
If you look for a partner, you are “just looking for security.”
If you want pleasure without a relationship, you are “improper.”
Those messages turn into different kinds of pressure depending on your life. A single mother may feel that her own needs should always come last.
A widowed woman may worry that desire is a betrayal. A divorced woman may feel uncertain about her body.
A single woman may be tired of waiting for a relationship before she can admit what she wants.
A woman with a partner may feel lonely because her needs are ignored at home.
These messages put women in a very narrow place. It is as if, at a certain age, a woman becomes an object. She can still be evaluated, but she is no longer allowed to talk about her own sexual needs.
That post made me ask a different question. Why should I not give that desire back to myself?
Why should I need anyone else’s permission to admit that it is mine?
How I Changed My Mind and Found Toendi
I Stopped Judging Myself
I began to stop judging my desire by harsh standards.
Menopause has no single template, and no rule says sexual desire must disappear at a certain age. Some women have little or no interest in sex, and that deserves respect too.
What matters is having room to understand our own feelings without being told what we should want because of age, relationship status or appearance.
I Gave Desire Back to Myself
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Sexual desire after menopause is not always about sex itself. Sometimes I want physical pleasure.
Sometimes I want closeness, gentle touch, or the feeling of being desired without having to prove I am still attractive.
I let my ex-husband's opinion become my inner voice. Later, I understood that the problem was not my desire.
It was the shame I attached to it.So, the first step I took was to get a divorce—to break free from the person who made me feel inferior and lacking in self-confidence.
I also began to separate wanting sex, wanting a hug, wanting a relationship and wanting to feel understood.
When I felt uncomfortable about my appearance, I tried to acknowledge the feeling instead of turning it into proof that I had no value.
When I wanted closeness or pleasure, I stopped treating the desire as inappropriate. I could talk to someone I trusted, learn about the changes of menopause, and explore privately at my own pace without rushing to prove anything.
Self-pleasure after menopause became a way to reconnect with my body, not a replacement for love.
I Explored Comfort Without Pressure
This was one reason I began learning about sexual wellness products.
I did not expect one to repair my marriage, erase my insecurity or replace emotional connection. I simply wanted to understand my body better.
Then I came across the Toendi Lips clitoral vibrator on the Toendi website. Its lip-shaped vibrator design felt less intimidating than traditional vibrators, which may make the first step easier for someone who is curious but hesitant.
Toendi Lips uses soft silicone, a quiet motor and multiple vibration and suction settings, and it can be used with lubricant. It is waterproof and easy to clean.
Those details do not remove the emotional work, but they make the practical side less intimidating.
I did not expect a product to solve my life.
I was simply glad to find something that did not ask me to become someone else before I could begin.
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You Are Allowed to Want More for Yourself, Always
I am still learning how to live in a body that continues to change, but I now understand that getting older does not take away a woman’s right to pleasure, affection, or intimacy.
Being single does not mean putting her sexual needs on hold, and going through menopause does not mean she has to stop listening to her body.
Sexual needs should not be limited by age. My needs matter, and so do yours.
